survived

i survived another operation today. but the aftermath is terrible. imagine blood squirting out from the ear and the hair got stained. yucks. groan..

this once in a lifetime experience i'll remember forever.
now i know what it is like to stare at the ceilings and moving at the same time. indescribable.
the only console is the 10 days MC i got.. no school for 10 days. i guess it means no going out as well.. good way to lose weight.

the wound is still bleeding, painful.

When you look at me
what do you see?
A girl so full of life
with smiles and joy to share?
Or one full of misery
with pain eating at her soul.
No one sees the real me
underneath my exterior
No body knows the pain I feel
or sees the tears I cry
I hide it from everyone
I've gotten good at that
A smile and laughter
that's what they see
No troubles no worries
my life's a blast
In reality it's just my shell
I share with others
If you peeled off the layers
you'd see the real me
You'd know I cry myself
to sleep every night
The loneliness I feel
is unbareable
Nobody cares about me
not the real me
I've been used
to many times to count
Why must they do that to me
don't they know it hurts
Of course not since
my feelings don't matter
Someone to care about me
that's what I need
I need a friend
someone to trust who trusts me
This misery must come to an end

to all my friends and family

hey to all who know me.. everyone and anyone.. esp my family and my close friends, if anything happen to me tmr during my operation, just want to let you all know that i really love you pple alot. i'll miss you guys and good luck for the future. hugs..


mom and dad
bring me up haven't been easy at all. i'm really sorry for all the trouble i've given you all. especially during my secondary school years. i'm really grateful for all you've done for me. you've been there always for me.. please do not be sad if i'm gone.. i love you alot.. thanks...

sally, yiling, min min
hey sisters, we'd our ups and downs, we's our cold wars and silly quarrels. just want to tell you all that i love you guys alot. my life had been nothing but a blast with you guys. words can't say how sad i'm to leave you all.. please take care and take care of my belongings too.(give the right things to the right people)

my frends
khim kieng, liting, wen yen, louisa, janice, yixian, melissa, ting kuang, claudia, yilynn, mandy, cheow lu, isabel, yiting, yanshan, charmaine, jaslyn, sock ying, shuhui, clement, ying bei, alison, sheila, zong xuan, darren, brian, cynthia, yihan, ashley(sarah), nick, luther

really nice knowing all of you. my life won't be the same if you haven't been in my life. thanks for being there when i need you guys the most.. i feel closest to you guys. whenever i feel sad, you'll be there to lift me up. life have been great with you around. love you.

douglas
thanks for bringing joy to my life. really. i like ur songs for me. thanks. =)

jeremy
thanks for everything. surprised u still talk to me..good luck to you and your soccer.

leonard
4 years have been long
and it's always to you my heart belongs
thanks for bringing me joy.
i love you always. and forever you'll be in my heart.

no matter how good or bad the op is, this is my last time writing to you.

to others i've not mentioned
thanks for being in my life once. God Bless.

today
-woke up at 6.45
-stoned in front of the mirror till 7
-couldn't find sports bra and pe shirt
-wore sis's old shirt in the end
-only brought a bag and wallet and phone
-didn't run for pe again(ran to estate ;P)
-went home and slept for a while and studied econs SAQ
-went back to school and realised that SAQ was postponed
-didn't bring econs tys
-had gelares with ting kuang, very yummy (cookies and creme ice cream)
-went home feeling full
-just ate mee goreng. mommy made it for me..

i can't do this anymore. i can't go on pretending things have not changed. many things have changed. ever since the moment i stepped into tjc. i say tj is cursed. i am right. we've changed. you've changed. i've changed. we are different now. time has changed us. it's all over now.

i was happy when you wanted to spend ur birthday with me.
today was the last straw. u lied. so god damn badly. i just can't believe my eyes when i saw it. i really can't. no wonder you went to australia. this is the strongest betrayal i've ever felt so far. the biggest one ever too. i never felt like this before. i never felt the coldness in my heart before. i felt like i've just been shot in the heart. nothing can describe this feeling.

when you said i was acting weird, i wanted to scream at you. really scream and shout and cry. but i didn't, i pretended not to know, like you pretending everything is fine. maybe this is the act of growing up, not wanting to screw ur birthday..just wanted to follow all your wishes today. i didn't even blow up when you said i never make you happy. i wanted to cry when you told me to leave. but somehow i followed you to town. everything was fine. but there were tensions between us. i wished everything was peaceful. this is the first time i'm out with you on the streets since i stepped into tjc. i don't want to screw things up. but i can't hide the feelings inside me.

that is why i chose to leave. when i tried to reason with you, all you can say is whatever. whatever is a simple and understandable word. but it's the most hurtful word of all in the world of us. you know it. but yet you used it.

i'd to tell someone all this. i can't hide it anymore. but there's no one i can really confide in. no one really knows what happened between you and me. our relationship was always so discreet and unclear.

i don't wanna trust you anymore.. in fact, all the trust i've in you are gone.
i will not look for you again. i can't go through all this again. please spare me from all this pain..

i asked you the same questions many times. but everytime you answered me the same thing. you said i don't understand you at all. everytime i tell myself and you that i understand all ur troubles. but today, i feel that maybe i don't truly understand you. i guess she is more understanding than i am.

brian is right, i don't have the generosity and magnitute to tolerate all this.

the only one i love
the one who betray.



goodbye leo, i don't wanna love you anymore.

i'm badly hurt this time. i really am
please, don't harm me anymore. i'll back off from now

tears.
maybe we shouldn't have met
maybe i shouldn't have fallen for you
maybe i shouldn't have seen her messages on your handphone

i'm just too tired to do anything. not anything.. but school work..
i've math test tomorrow, human geography test on thursday, econs SAQ on tuesday, and a deadly operation on wedesday

yesterday

went for flag day and the five of us(yingbei,shuhui,alison,clement and me) took our first neo-print! after sooooo long. =Pp yipEe. went home after returning the cans back to school. slept from 12.30 all the way to 4.30.. woke up.. went online for a while before going to grandpa's house!! sharon brought photos from benny's wedding! the photos were great! and i got the reputation of being a poser cuz i posed a lot in the photoS! wished i've scanner.. i'll scan everything into my comP! haha..

after hanGing out at gramps' place, we'd another cousin'S outing. candy, candy's bf wilson, sharon, karen, wanting, xiaoqian and me went out! we went to pasir ris' fisherman's village only to be welcomed by bad service. how disgusting the table was and how lousy the service was toO! but the guy serving drinks was quite cute. that's the reason why i didn't flare up when he says there wasn't anymore peach cooler(the drink i originally wanted). after eating some foOd(not very nice), we headed stRaight down to airport coffee club express!! i'd my rambutan freeze!! yuMmY and a chicken ham n cheese sandwiCh!! airport was very quiet.. saw tj pple studying there though. some yr 1s.. urg. reminded me of the pile of work i've to do by tonight. oh and did i mention wilson has a very very very big, huge, spacious and fantastic 7-seater car?? it was totally phat. and biG. we got all stareS on the road! wow. the perks of having a bf who'S a car dealer. damnit. haha

PUG JELLY WROTE BACK

yay!!! they took less than a day to reply! what sweetiES!!!!!!!!! oh love em to the maX.. shall put them in my linkS!

happy 18th birthday melissa

=)

pug jelly

jus emailed pug jelly. hoping they'll email back?? wishful thinking. haha i like pug jelly. they're good and they rock. yeaa..

and jus joined the pug jelly street team thing. hope to see em!!

maybe one of em will fall in love with me?? hope it's sam though. hahahahah

*gooDness* what am i thinking? and what's with the spaces.

Middle-aged. You'll die from something unexpected,
just when your kids are going to college or
something great is happening. Cause Unknown.


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See what Care Bear you are.

racial harmony day!!

wore the sari me, xiaoyun, samanthia and sheila bought yesterdaY!!! borrowed alison'S top thougH! had a greeaat day on the whole. tooK some photos! hope they turn out well.. haD tons of foOd today and my cramp was baD. totally. went to starbuCks to stUdy with shuhui and liting. haha.. had fun. no mood to study though... slept and slept and slepT! haaa

yawn..still need to do my econ test n econ tys and econ drq. so many things to do. how am i supposed to get through all this econs?? tj's cursed.

but it was a great day on the whole. really nice day. =)

new layout

changed a new layout. yipee. had a hard time changing it due to my lousy html skills
relieved.
i wanna stay at fullerton forever. hahaha
gonna meet guan yuan now! commissioN!

i'm letting go of you now
no more tears
no more pain
no more prayers

i'm leaving it all behind
a new life
a new friend
a new place

may true love finds me and you

today
woke up.. feeling damn tired
walked around fullerton to check out facilities.
not much actually.. but it's a damn nice place..
haha now back at home. preparing for dinner
red nail polish here i come!!!
and black eyeliner
eric not lending me his digicam now i think. so sad. haha

yesterday yesterday
went to tpjc's dance fest.
it was phat. very very very cool..
love it.
saw jeremy.. he was a bastard k.. saw me..jerked, then went to talk to alex... about me.
freak. sock ying's group was damn gooD!!!!!!! so glad she won!! hahaha

went to jan'S hse after that. saw the azelea pple. all of them
matthew is veryveryveryveryveryvery cute. hahahahahaha.
the kang brothers lar
janice's sis, denise, is very very very pretty.
prettier than jan i think
had chocolate cake.

whatever my horoscope says, it did not come true

yesterday
-woke up in the morning to the sound of thunder
-prepared myself for the tea ceremony at benny's house
-reached benny's hse and had lots of food n some kinda fun
-tired
-went to foochou methodist church which was located beside muthu curry. hahaha (little india)
-the church wedding was so sweet and nice. i wish i was the one getting married.
-the slide show they put up was really really sweeeeet and i teared a little
-sally, mommy, sharon, 2nd aunt all cried.
-went to fullerton to check out benny and christina's suite.
-goodness it's damn nice. it has a magnificent view of the esplanade and the singapore river.
-saw some fireworks as NDP rehearsal was on going.
-totally fantastic.
-supposed to go embassy
-no more tickets
-supposed to meet eric
-but in the end never
-checked out our complimentary room.. it was 1/3 of the size of the suite. hahaha miserable
-dressed up and dressed yiling up to look like 18 so that she can go clubbing. cool huh!
-went to queue up at double O for like 1/2 hr before reaslising that we're underage. need to be 22. so embarrassing.
-went to this place, angel.
-it was free cover charge, and free one drink
-music sucks to the max
-didn't have fun there at all.
-leonard spoilt my day actually
-i really hate it. wanna cry so badly.

I am a little bit of loneliness a little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints but I can’t help the fact that everybody can see
these scars
I am what I want you to want what I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you, to just believe
this is real
So I let go, watching you, turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you want what I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I can't feel
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

cable is uP! again.

yay my cable is uP!! and thiNGs are starTing to look better again. i passed all my subjects with A level passes except GP which i failed miserably. but what the hell. i passed jct. have not been doing much past few days except bother bout benny's wedding which will be on sat. *totally excited* haven't find the perfect bag to match the outfit though. oh well. no money. have been eating dinner at home. so sucky. just because i'm broke so i've to stay home and eat. someone pls treat me do dinner?? (yiting??) hahaha.. went to town just now with my cousins sharon and wanting. had dinner at starbucKs!! me n wanting spent only 1.50 each cuz sharon gave us this 10 dollar voucher b4 leaving for dinner with bf's parents. haha so sweet. ate like a pig.. major one. haha so fat.

oh no i hope period don't come tmR or sat or sunday. come on monday. pretty pretty plS. hahaha but i know it'll come tmR.

leo u suck. u are one big liar. u lied to me about everything. whatever you said in australia was fake. don't let me see you embassy. i'll pour barcardi all over you. i swear.

dunno if i'm going embassy on sat though. claudia's party. everyone's backing out. shit. after i'd promised her i'll go. what if i'm stuck with azelea park timothy?? tt's it. pleading eric to go now. and of cuz i want to borrow this digicam too. but dun think he can lend. oh well..

ok life don't seem too good now.

cable is down

cable is down. couldn't blog for days. using 56 kps now. soooooo slow. goodness. i got 57 for geog. highest ever. made many breakthroughs this common test. not bad. saving money now to buy accessories from accessorize. =Pp half price for many things. fantastic. oh well. so sian to blog now cuz cable is just too slow. freak.

i've pw tmR

emergency meeting
i honestly hate pw

Strong
muscular
adaptable
takes what life has to give
happy content
optimistic
needs enough money and acknowledgment
hates loneliness
passionate lover which cannot be satisfied
faithful
quick-tempered
unruly
pedantic and careless.


got this from some website

yest night

-watched twins effect with liting yest nite at lido
-future bride and groom to be (benny and christina) was in the same cinema
-realised Channel News Asia gonna film the wedding
-got to dress nice.
-realised the ICE dress ain't that fantastic

today
slept and slept and slept. woke up at 10.. took a nap at 1.. woke up at 4 before going to gramp's place. ate like a pig. feeling the bulge on my tummy again. sigh. finally got my hands on the harry potter book. gonna start reading it tomorrow. so tired now. met kieng up for coffee.. had fun. drank tall mocha frap with whip cream. haha.. it's my fav drink now. heard kieng talked bout how alvin treat her.. haha very much like a gentleman. felt kinda glad for her. on the other hand, felt kinda sad for brian. oh well. this is love and life i guess.
i finally have my take on love.

i need to lose weight.

You are Brian Molko!


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moulin rouge

just watched moulin rouge on vcd for the first time. a very touching show. a very baz luhrmann show. really. compare this to romeo + juliet and you'll know what i'm talking about. to love and be loved back is indeed the greatest thing one can ever get in life. i salute this saying. one day, i will find my true love. one day.

on a bright note. i started my weekend early!! jus as my horoscope said. *gRinz*

chang is so irritating yet nice

i woke up late for school today again!!! and chang had to call my dad and complain!!!!! and my dad said i'm out of sight. wth. shld have said i was sick rite? goodness. went to the doc immediately after knowing how screwed i am.

chang called me up and said i've recurring headache. so she says i'm having major brain problems. goodness. when i'm just lying my way through. i told her i'm going for an head scan. hahahaa.. brain scan. and she said i've to tell her the resultS!! goSh!! she asked about results and wanted me to write a reflection too. on the june common test and everything frustrating. haha.. hilarious. goodness ok. she's not tt bad afterall

i've to get out of my sleeping late and getting up late habit.
ur fault nicholas seng.

angels in distress
help

yen broke down today. for reasons both reasonable and logical. i feel so bad actually.. but there's nothing much i can do? i'm in a totally different class now. i can't spend time like i used to.. i can't have lunch with her like i used to..

today

went to bugis in the end.. met nick and jon and err.. thai... walked around for a while.. before they sat down somewhere and took a smoke break
nick got caught for smoking. cuz he's still underaged. hahaha.. damn hilarious. he was brooding about it the whole nite. yeaa
=PP oh well. gonna either buy the dress from uRban and cO or ice.
so tired now. got pw. uuurrgghhh

mommy is greeaaaat

yay!! she gave me another 50 bucks to buy clothes!! for wedding dinner!! off am i to town!! to buy clothes!!!

You're first, you're last, you're everything
barry white

We got it together didn't we
Nobody but you and me
We got it together baby

My first, my last, my everything
And the answer to all my dreams
You're my sun, my moon, my guiding star
My kind of wonderful, that's what you are

I know there's only, only one like you
Theres no way they could have made two
You're you're all I'm living for
Your love I'll keep for evermore,
You're the first my last my everything

In you I've found so many things
A love so new only you could bring
Can't tou see if you
You'll make me feel this way
You're like a first morning dew on a brand new day

I see so many ways that I can love you
Till the day I die........

You're my reality yet i'm lost in a dream
You're the first my last my everything

*** Instrumental ***

I know there's only, only one like you
Theres no way they could have made two
Girl you're my reality
But I'm lost in a dream
You're the first you're the last my everything

today

darn. woke up late. first day of sch i'm late. this is atrocious. chang warned me in class later that if i'm late again, she'll have to call my mom up. dammit. next time if i'm late, i jus won't go to sch alrite? haha.. great way.
got back my math results!!! i got a neat 48!!! yipEe!!! and my econs.. i got 40!!! i think it's a E or O pass. double happiness. efforts paid off... totally phat. haha =PP
went to town with liting after that. no mood to shop cuz have been walking around town for the past few days. haha so tired
saw nick with his thai friend. ok.. nothing much.
went to watch charlie's angels with liting.
the show is cool.. very nice. but not as nice as the first charlie's angels though. oh well.. cameron diaz is still my favourite. yay!

the iranian sisters died. i feel so sorry for them. they had placed all their hopes on singapore. and yet, we failed them. really a loss. God Bless them. i felt so sad for them jus now that i wanted to cry..

jeremy talked to me on msn. stupid
i know what happened to you boy. pissed off.

leonard gonna bring me to embassy.

yesterday
-woke up.. with a headache. decided not to cycle with yiting, yanshan and charmaine
-surfed net and continue the webbie
-got a call from liting and she told me about what happened to louisa and her sis
-was roped in to help
-in the end, went to suntec to meet louisa
-went kenneths' after that for class outing
-got cd from tingky and saw jon leong(quite good looking)
-went to watch basic with nick at tampines mall. a totally intriguing and complicating show.. but it's quite nice.
-sat at bk and rotted with him
-felt nice

great day on the whole

burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp

had such a fantastic day. superb.
met liting at 'giant' yest and got food for the potluck!! we kinda stole chickenS!!! ok jus black pepper chicken leg at cold storage. hahahahhaha grinz.. hey it wasn't our fault. the woman didn't want to take ouR money. haha the incident at the katong laksa place was even more hilarious and embarrassing. goodness. hahaa

went to wenyen's hse and started taking photos. non stop. haha her maid ended up cooking most of the thingS!! haha like potatoes, fries, eggs and pasta. hahaa.. we peel the potatoes and eggs though.. haha started eating at around 8!!! louisa joined us and brought rojak!! yummy yummy!! then more photo taking.. haa we watched tempting heart after dinner..
jin cheng wu is soooooooooooooo cute. totally charmed. haa..

talked to wen yen bout everything until 3.43am while liting is sleeping away.. hahaa....

great day... fantabulous. hahaa... so sleepy now..
had McDonalds breakfast. got another hash brown on top of the one given.

-website making-

today

woke up to the screeching sound of my sis's voice. so irritating. she yaks non stop
been sitting in front of the comp since morning.. still tired from last nite. having a potluck dinner at wen yen's house tonight!! yummY. i'm supposed to make potato salad. haha.. jus got the recipe from sharon. hope it's workable. feel so lazy to cook. used to be enthu bout making my own food. but that was like 2-3 years back. reminded me of secondary sch days when we've to cook for TAF students for our home economics project. we had so much fun cooking and testing out the food. haha.. those were the good old days!!

thinking of making leo a birthday present. since it's 21st birthday. i think i'll make a scrap book full of pictures. sounds good? i hope so. he hasn't called from australia since 2nd. screw him.

anyway.. i had a funny but sweet dream last night. i dreamt i was together with nick! -xxOMGxx- it was a very very sweet dream.. hah we didn't kiss in the end but still it was nice.. haha funny too. cuz halfway nick was involved in some skater fight. as usual. and he was supposed to get a blood transfusion but ended up getting a brain transplant. haha hilarious. and i was watching some scumbag(looks like one) operate on him! goodness. haha.. the dream was sweet while it lasted. =Pp

but nick, u're stuck with may like i'm stuck with leo. life.

yesterday

-went to pay for lasalle. yipee
-went out with mom and yiling to get clothes for wedding dinner
-so pissed with yiling for taking her own sweeeeeet time
-bought another fcuk top at 70% off. this will be the 6th one. i totally love fcuk
-had ajisen rice ball for dinner at taka square.. yummy
-saw many tjc pple. like nicole anne and her class.. alison's cousin n edina.. worse of all- yanhan(the one with staring problem) and her odac friend(they kept staring non stop... stupid idiots)
-saw jeremy!!!!!!!!!! the one working at starhub!! yes. the wang li hong lookalike!! when i first saw him, i grabbed my mom's arms and told her to look! haha but he didn't see me then. it was later when we went to some shop then he walked past me and said 'hello' oh manz.. my heart melted right on the spot. he's so cute.
-supposed to meet liting for movie but she ended up sleeping through the nitezz
-met nick in the end.. and his thai friend.
-watched dumb and dumberER. it was really a dumb show. trust me. dun waste money. haha
-managed to catch the last train home.

had a good day on the whole.. considering the fact that i got a top. and watched movie.

i'm going shopping

haha yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! gonna get my hands on the denim skirt(but that is if i pass common test!) ;P
and definitely a dress and maybe nike shoX or adidas clima cOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

party@embassy

19th july
embassy@esplanade
birthday girl:claudia
tickets:25 bucks
drinks:free flow from 9 to 11.30

interested?? call me. ;P

june ct

it's finally over.. after 2 whole weeks of pure mugging, it finally ended. soooooooooo glad.

so tired now.

leo has gone to australia for good. i shld move on.

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